


War of the Words

by tocasia



Series: Our Shining Past [2]
Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: AU, Cute, Gen, Humor, Once Upon A Time, Reading Aloud, Sephiroth and Zack friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-11-07 18:30:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11064696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tocasia/pseuds/tocasia
Summary: Sephiroth and Zack engage in a friendly duel with unconventional weapons.  In the end, who will prevail when subjected to terrible reading material?(22. fairy tale) for Seph&Zack Friendship 100 Themes





	War of the Words

How do you end up reading things you normally wouldn't read? Perhaps you were bored out of your mind while waiting at the doctor's office or the airport. Maybe someone gave you a gift and you didn't want to disappoint them, or you only went to that bookclub for a friend. Was it an assignment? Were you too sick in bed to do anything else?

All those things make a certain kind of sense. This does not.

* * *

It is a closely guarded secret. Sephiroth and Zack have regular bad story duels. One picks out something atrocious to read out loud to the other. Each week, they alternate apartments. They can't suppress all the rumors, but no one knows the truth.

How did it start? Well... as with so many things, Zack happened. Sephiroth does not even recall how long this has been going on. He may have forgotten to keep score.

At first, they simply chose badly written prose. When that stopped being interesting, they moved on to works by great authors known to be hated by the other. But when they ran out of those, neither would take the risk of accidentally reading something the listener would actually like. So they had to be more creative.

Next came the nutrition information, lab equipment catalogs, and fashion magazines. Sephiroth brought an entire shipment of greeting cards up the elevator. That resulted in some papercuts on both sides before they declared a truce out of mutual respect.

Zack retaliated with meeting notes, a dangerous gambit. That was only two months ago.

Sephiroth had raised his voice in frustration, "I swear, if you say 'Nothing to report' one more time..."

But Zack had a defense. "Hey, hey, we agreed these would be nonviolent, remember?"

"Unfortunately, yes." And he had to endure the rest or forfeit the duel.

Later, when it was his turn, Sephiroth read furniture assembly instructions (in all the languages provided), and Zack fell asleep. Sephiroth declared victory in that battle.

And there was the time when Zack read a terrible book of jokes and Sephiroth almost didn't laugh. It was so close! Another point for Zack.

The advantage shifted back and forth between them. So far there was no clear winner.

"Dammit, Seph! Not sheet music by just naming the notes!"

"Dammit, Zack! Not haikus translated back and forth! You might as well be saying random words!"

"How do you know I'm not?" Did Zack really just stick out his tongue at him? The nerve.

Sephiroth grabbed the book out of Zack's hands and opened it. The pages were blank. "Clever, but that doesn't count as reading. I think you should be disqualified for this."

"No way! My original poetry is so beautifully bad that you didn't know the difference."

"Then write it down and we'll call it a draw."

That was last Tuesday.

* * *

The next round is about to begin. The weapon has been chosen, the location decided. Zack appears in Sephiroth's apartment carrying a thin volume of nonstandard dimensions.

"Hey, Seph, look what I found in the library!"

"Which is it this time? Modern History of Midgar Space Program, vol. 1? Mako Energy and the Rise in Life Forms?"

"Nope!" Zack waves it in front of his face. The book has pink pastel hearts on the cover. There are hints of unicorns. Sephiroth reminds himself not to destroy library property.

"A children's book? Why do we do this?"

"Oh, is the Great General Sephiroth stalling for time?"

That may or may not be true. Sephiroth scowls.

Zack begins to read. "Once upon a time..."

Sephiroth already wishes he could be somewhere else. He tries to hide it, but Zack knows him too well.

Smiling, Zack continues "There was a beautiful princess..."

Sephiroth raises a hand and interrupts. "Was she trapped in a tower?"

"How did you guess?"

Instead of answering such an obvious question, Sephiroth asks, "Did she like the view? Get good reception? Is the tower made out of cake?"

"It doesn't say. I think it's just a plot device so we can have, ah yes, a dashing hero to rescue her."

Not that again. This will be difficult, but he will survive, somehow. He will not lose! And so Sephiroth listens with stoic determination as Zack relates the humorous adventures of the rather inept hero and his little band of supporting characters as they rescue the princess. "Okay, they saved her. Please let that be the end? Happily ever after?"

"Nope, there's more. They have to stop the villain." Zack must be enjoying his pain.

"Does the princess help them?"

Zack flips forward a little bit. "Doesn't look like it."

Sephiroth is disappointed.

The heroes irresponsibly abandon the princess to her unknown fate and journey to defeat the big bad, who has some kind of nefarious plan for the future which is never elaborated on. With the power of friendship (that apparently doesn't apply to princesses), they stop him before he can complete the plan. The world is saved. Yay.

Sephiroth wonders, "Why would they do that without finding out what the plan is, first?"

Zack replies only with a shrug.

"It's probably just because the author couldn't think of it." Sephiroth says with contempt. He cannot contain his wrath any longer. "Why don't the so-called good guys ever try to understand? Is that why science is always evil? Are the people who write fairy tales simply appealing to the stupidity of the masses in the name of marketing? These are great literary injustices!"

"Wow, Seph, I never knew you felt so strongly about this."

"Ignorance should never be encouraged."

Zack pauses for a moment, waiting to see if anything catches fire. "It has a sequel, you know. Actually, there is a whole series of these. The princesses have different hair colors."

Sephiroth readies a sarcastic reply, but it is too late. Zack has seen the defeat in his eyes. He decides to threaten instead. "Don't get cocky about your victory. There is only one direction our conflict can take from here. There is no going back, and we will both regret it forever."

"Oh yeah?" Zack's grin is infuriating.

"Don't provoke me."

"Ha! So what's your oh-so-dire ultimatum?"

"Trashy romance novels."

"You wouldn't."

"I would."

"You have no compassion, you know that?" Zack is joking.

"Yes." Sephiroth is proud of himself.

"But I know you won't do it."

"What makes you think I won't?"

"Our bad story duels are already a secret, Seph. Do you really want to escalate this to the next level of possible embarrassment should we get caught?"

Damn. Zack is right. The humiliation would be too much.

"..." Sephiroth has lost and he knows it. "Very well, I surrender."

"You, what? What about next week?"

"You win the war, Zack. There is no next week."

"Oh. I guess I'd better return the rest of these books, then."

 


End file.
